Tuesday, February 27, 2007

February 27 p.m.

So, I still don’t have a real handle on things, on any of the things that have been bothering me or have been an issue with me lately. Dr. Bowles didn’t have anything to say beyond “keep taking the medication and I’ll see you in two weeks,” so there’s nothing to report there. I didn’t do a great job explaining to her about the problems I’ve been having—the lack of concentration, the fatigue and early poop-out at night, the continued trouble sleeping, and the fact that I’m not really feeling any better about anything, even though I’m taking an anti-depressant. Yes, it may not have kicked in fully yet, but I think it has and it’s not going to help much.

I’m still in the same crappy financial situation, I’m still living with my parents, I’m still working at a job I don’t really like and am not particularly good at, and I’m still without a life partner and family of my own. I know that there isn’t much I can do about any of these things right now—but I can see that they’re all interconnected, each bearing on the other. I feel pretty much trapped, with no escape routes or outlets for letting my frustrations be known. Aside from this journal, I have no place to spill my darkest, most hopeless thoughts about my life and the direction it’s heading. And from where I’m standing now that direction seems to be decidedly downward.

It’s hard to believe I’ll be thirty-nine next month and that I’m no further along in life than I was twenty years ago. I never thought that could happen, but I never thought about how to make sure it didn’t. And the Alex debacle certainly hasn’t helped my outlook. The constant ups and downs over the past month have really made things harder for me. I didn’t expect to fall for him so hard or so quickly, especially since I hardly know the guy. I just want to be over him and start accepting that my life isn’t likely to change significantly until I do. But maybe that’s why I’m not getting over it—because I can’t believe that things could change for me sometime, that maybe there’s hope for something good to happen in my life.

I keep seeing what’s happened to Ernie and Beverly, and I am really afraid I’ll end up the same way. Do genetics have a hand in determining one’s destiny? We have the same parents, but not the same experiences; we didn’t even grow up in the same decades. I don’t have to end up like them, but that kind of thing certainly happens. If I could just see my brother’s and sister’s lives as the cautionary tales they are instead of a vivid foreshadowing my own fate, I could be onto something.

Alex is a kind of ideal to me—the kind of man I think I’ve been looking for all this time. And it’s really convenient and interesting that I homed in on that right away, but he doesn’t see the same thing in me at all. How funny and ironic is that? Not very funny, but highly ironic, I guess. But there it is. I was never really sure, though, that I could be with him as a boyfriend, if only because he seems so far out of my league. I still think I could live up to that, but I won’t get the chance to find out for sure, at least not with him. And I can’t really imagine that there’s anyone else so successful, attractive, family-oriented and driven who could find me equally so. It seems impossible at the moment, but I have to at least not give up on finding that before it’s too late for me. And it’s starting to get late…

February 27

I’m trying to figure out how I really feel about things not working out the way I’d hoped with Alex, and so far, it seems OK. Really. He’s still embedded in my thoughts for some reason, and the idea of him is still running as my brain wallpaper, so it’s not like I’m over it already or anything. But at least I’m starting to come to rational terms with the truth—which is that he’s just not that into me, or, even worse, just wants to be friends.

Ooof, can’t pretend that I’m entirely OK with that, but what choice do I have but to accept it? He’s given me no indication that he wants to get together—come on it’s been over a month since our second date already—and he’s only called when I seem to be pulling the plug on things. He doesn’t seek me out otherwise, and he doesn’t try to make plans when we do “connect”. I just have to accept that it’s not going to happen and try to move forward.

So what does “moving forward” look like? Hell if I know, but my birthday’s in a little over two weeks, so I have to start thinking again about what I want to accomplish in the next year, my last before I hit my forties. “My forties”—now that’s a slap in the face. I’m a year away from turning forty, and I have nothing tangible to show for all those years of experience and “accomplishment”. Like I keep telling anyone who’ll listen, I don’t feel I’ve gained much since age nineteen, and that was almost twenty years ago. The only thing I can say I’m truly proud of for that time period is that I finally went back to college and graduated. I’d like to say I had many more points of pride, but I can’t think of a single thing beyond that.

Not to belittle that accomplishment at all—it was a huge thing to go back to Cal at age thirty-five among all the traditional-age students and finally get it done. Yes, it messed with my head, and I think that’s why I feel stuck at nineteen now and have a boyfriend who’s twenty-two. Strange thing happened yesterday—I ran into Curt Heredia while waiting for Jason at Turtle Bay. Curt was that guy from Bewitch who was Robby Allen’s best friend, and he was really cute and totally trouble. He was some kind of athletic god with a billion friends and way outside of my social sphere. As if I had a social sphere.

He actually thought I might have been a cheerleader. As if! He kept naming people who I’d known of but didn’t ever have any social contact with. He didn’t realize I was a total outcast, which makes me wonder how on earth he recognized me at all. He said it was my voice, but that’s not likely. I mean, I was eleven and twelve when he might have heard it, and I certainly don’t sound twelve anymore. Very strange. The best part is that I didn’t recognize him one whit. He was totally changed, would never have thought in a million years that he was Curt Heredia. Not very attractive, but still had that glassy, cocky look in his eye. But he was anything but cocky, more teasing and fun.

I wonder what it would have been like for me if I’d been in his crew. I wasn’t in their league, socially, looks-wise, or mentally. I couldn’t have handled it to save my life. I think that when I met and connected with Alex, it made me think I could be attractive and interesting to a successful, established guy who is actually attractive and interesting to me. But I think that was a lot of wishful thinking rather than a real connection. Hence, it didn’t continue beyond the second date. I don’t mean to say that I’m not worthy or whatever, but just that it’s not likely to happen again with such serendipity. I didn’t have to do anything to get his attention! But I couldn’t keep it, not even in the “short” run. So I’m not exactly confident of my ability to “create lightning in a jar” again.

So, I’m not exactly afraid of the idea that if I don’t find exactly the right guy for me, I’ll just be alone. I was thinking that way before my dates with Alex, so it shouldn’t be a stretch to go back. But it would be a hell of a lot easier if I hadn’t had a small taste of what I’d be missing. Lots of people go thru this, and lots of people are alone, unloved by someone special and have no hope of being otherwise. Over the last few weeks especially, I’ve looked at homeless people or handicapped people or just unattractive people and thought how sad it was for them that they’d never have a chance like the one I have with Alex. I shouldn’t have thought such a terrible thing, because it’s come back to bite me quite squarely in the ass.

Monday, February 26, 2007

February 26

We went to the de Young yesterday, which at first was really cool, but then it started to drag on and on. The lighting was fairly dim, presumably to prevent further damage to the recovered antiquities and works of art, but that made it even harder to stay alert. Jon was enthralled, but he confessed that his old back injury started to bother him with all the standing around.

We left and had a really nice meal at Park Chow on 9th. Wow, great crab croquettes, blue cheese salad and steak frites! And a good glass of Malbec to slurp it all down. Ahhhhh....

Seems like the start of every week brings some anticipation of some Alex time, but each week brings nothing but disappointment and resignment that it's just not going to happen this time around. I'm not sure what to think or do. I mean, he's called me each time I've expressed any doubt of his interest via e-mail, but then nothing happens beyond him calling. He made no mention of getting together at all during our phone call last Thursday, and I guess I should just take that at face value. Still, he's really taken up a lot of space in my head, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'd like to think it means I'm not supposed to give up on him, but I'm starting to think I've been kidding myself again.

Ah well. I'm not opposed to taking the wait and see approach to this, and I have been a lot calmer about the whole thing these last several days. But whether that's the Celexa talking, or I'm just dealing with it better, I can't distinguish at this point. Maybe they're one in the same, but I'm definitely grateful for the attitude change.

February's been a real dog for me, hasn't it?

Friday, February 23, 2007

February 23

Woohoo! Jenna and I are leaving work at 4:30-ish for drinks at Perbacco. But it's only 11:06 a.m. now--geez, I can't wait to get out of here!

I'm bogged down with work, but I can't concentrate at the moment. I've been taking Celexa for a little over a week now, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. My eyes are always dry and irritated and I'm spacey, but the eye thing was happening before. Still, doesn't help me feel any better. Guess I should take a Claritin in case it's caused by allergies...

I like how the pill dissolves on your tongue almost before you can even taste anything. Uh oh, wonder if there's any risk of bad interaction between Celexa and Claritin? Too late now. Let's just hope I'm alive by the time happy hour starts.





Thursday, February 22, 2007

February 22

So, the strangest thing happened today. On my drive home from work, my thinking was pretty much anti-Alex. Meaning, I was starting to feel like he really wasn't worth the all the effort and hand wringing that I've been doing over him, and that I didn't actually have to regret any of it. I could stomach the idea of seeing a Mercedes E320 or being in SF or drinking red wine without feeling terrible about my missed chance with him. And then--of course!--he called me. He called, and we talked for some 30 minutes about a lot of things and nothing at all. He didn't say what's been going on with him, but he did acknowledge his elusiveness over the past few weeks. He mentioned some embarrassing episodes at restaurants, but he wouldn't go into details. I got him to promise to tell at a later time, so that was something. He talked about the scallops he made last night with avocado, tangerine mignonette (which he charmingly called "mignette" several times) and scotch bonnet pepper, but the pepper was too hot, and he wants to try again with maybe serranos or something (my suggestion). To my surprise, that didn't lead to an invitation, but I'm OK with biding my time.

I don't know what any of this means, but we left it friendly and expectant. We'll be talking again soon, i trust, but we didn't make plans. I told Jenna (via IM--that silly girl was working way late again!) that we'd be talking again via phone, and that was ideal since he's a real distraction to me in person. There's something about looking at him that turns my brain to near-mush and my body to a sweating mass of goo. I can't get past that at this moment, but someday maybe. Of course, my wish is that i won't have to...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

February 21--RIP Malik Shabazz

El Hajj Malik El Shabazz (sorry for missing hyphens, but not sure where to put them), A.K.A. Malcolm X, ne Malcolm Little, was murdered on this date in New York City in 1963. Not sure why I always remember that, but there it is.

Crickets from Alex, even though I e-mailed him first thing yesterday morning. Not sure what's going on there, but I am still hoping we'll get together this week. Still not holding my breath...

I find that about an hour after I take the Celexa, my mind goes wonky. And an hour after that, I start to get dizzy. Not sure this happens every time, but thought I'd put this on the record so I can refer to it later.

Anyway, I'm having all kinds of trouble concentrating, and that's saying a lot since I normally have trouble concentrating. But I'm trying to get through this series of tutorials for InDesign 2.0, and it's mostly futile. If I could just pay attention long enough to listen to the guy's droning, I'd be in business, but I can't do it right now.

Looking forward to visiting Jennifer Convertibles with Jenna in about an hour and a half. I mean, I guess I'm looking forward to it. Don't think I could concentrate on my book anyway, and it's probably better for me to be walking around and trying to interact than snoozing awake, like I'm doing now. Geez, this stuff is really something--really doing a number on me.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

February 20

So, Alex called me yesterday, but I didn't recognize the number so I didn't pick up. He said he'd call back, but he didn't yesterday, and I sent him a "fun, flirty" e-mail telling him he owed me a couple of meals since he's kept me waiting so long. Not sure why I'm not jumping out of my skin about this--could be the Celexa, the fact that that I've arrived at a more balanced, less frantic view of the whole thing, the amount of time that's passed, or any combination of these. I'd like to think that I'm less susceptible to the idea of him, but I don't think that's true. Fact remains that, despite all the drama and hand-wringing, I really, really like this guy, and will keep liking him until I don't.

Friday, February 16, 2007

February 16

So I'm doing away with the cutesy titles. It's too much work to think about a title before I start writing, and I don't like leaving it blank as I'm writing. Yes, it's crazy and nit-picky, but maybe that's why I'm on this SSRI...

I'm 3 doses into the Celexa, and I'm feeling a little space
y. Taking it in the morning did make a huge difference--I was definitely able to sleep last night and didn't wake up at all! Weird. I had a lot of trouble deciding whether or not to continue it after the Night of Waking Hell, but my doc said I should give it 2 more days, take it in the morning instead, and see if the insomnia side effect diminishes or disappears in that time. So far, so good, but I'm not holding my breath. Been doing that too much lately, and I need the oxygen back.

Anyhoo, Jon and I are doing the belated Valentine's Day thing tonight. Dinner at Perbacco, a movie (hopefully Music & Lyrics with Drew Barrymore, but we'll see) and cuddling...that's always a good thing!!





Wednesday, February 14, 2007

February 14

Yeah, so? It's Valentine's Day, and I've been up since just after 1 a.m. because I started on some anti-anxiety medication that's making a real mess out of me. My doctor suggested it because of the problems i've been having with falling asleep and sleeping through the night since Pap's stroke just before Christmas. He's much better now, but i think all the fear, anguish and unwonted responsibility and uncertainty I went through in the days and weeks afterward have finally caught up with me.

The medication is awful, and I'm thinking I'll not take dose 2 tonight. I mean, if I wanted to not sleep and be all jittery, headachy and nauseous, I could have gotten all that without the medication. These days, at least.

So I stayed home, since 2 hours of sleep + unpredictable nausea + intermittent headache and dizziness = a bad idea to get behind the wheel or in front of a computer for too long. I'm even having some blurred vision, which I think is one of those "call your doctor right away" symptoms--I have to check. Guess I'll go do that now...

Monday, February 12, 2007

Still don't get it

The absolute worst part is that while I'm struggling to put this episode behind me, these annoying, hopeful little thoughts and reminders keep finding their way into my head. I know it's just because I can't quite believe he would say a lot of the things he said if he had no actual intention of following through, and it's hard for me to think about someone willfully letting me down like that. Especially someone who seemed so trustworthy.

He went into this knowing that I worked just across the hall from him, and then he gave me his mobile phone number. And still he said those things implying that we'd have a really nice rose champagne sometime, having a "terrific time together" this week at dinner and offering me near free reign with his 8-burner stove. Geez, how i hate the thought of those things now. I feel like a real fool, but all I can do is cultivate these nauseatingly excuse-ridden thoughts that are only driving me crazier.

Actually, as I write this, they seem to be subsiding. Maybe all it takes to exorcise your demons is writing them down.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on here

Last Friday after work, it occurred to me (as I sat in an SF parking garage waiting to pay and get the hell out) that there's no reason for me not to call Alex and see what might be on his agenda for the week. I.e., when did he want to get together. Of course, I was too chicken to actually call him up, so I did the next best immediate thing--I sent him a text message.

And then I waited...and waited and waited...and never heard from him, not all weekend, not this morning when I arrived at work and saw his car was already in the lot, and not yet. And you have to wonder why I say "not yet" instead of not at all, or not happening, because clearly, it's not happening. I can't say I'm surprised, but I am very disappointed. So what else is new?

The hardest part is getting to work, knowing he's here and probably watching me walk in from my car and still hearing nothing. I feel like the most invisible person on earth about now, except that he can see all the way through me on my way in. And the most annoying part is this: no matter how hopeless it all seems, and no matter how obvious it is that he's just not into this, I keep holding on to some semblance of hope that it's all a miscommunication, that if I call him or e-mail him or something him, he'll respond in kind and with enthusiasm. Have I not made it clear that I want to spend time with him? Have I somehow sent him mixed signals that are scaring him off? Do I have bad breath? Is there a hole in my pants? What, what's going on here?

And since I told him I wouldn't press him further, I really can't do that now. I was taking a chance by text-messaging him last week, and I see now I shouldn't have done that. So now I have to keep breathing in and out and not worry about this anymore, lest I completely, finally lose it. And it's not the first time I've said and decided this--just look at all those earlier posts on this same subject.

I thought I was feeling OK about things, but I think it was all based on hope that it would turn out as I'd hoped all along. So it was a house of cards, just as I feared.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Gut check

Lately I've been all over the map about Alex, where things might be going (if they're "going" at all) and what I'm supposed to be doing or not doing about it. I can't say I have any kind of clarity, but Amy was very helpful yesterday when she talked about dating and timetables and how to wait for a guy to make each successive move. I felt better remembering that I've never really dated before, but instead have just jumped full tilt into one relationship after another, way faster than was necessary or even advisable. My serial monogamism has made me blind to the ways of dating, and this is one of the reasons I've been freaking out over Alex.

Of course, I would rather be on Date #6 with him by now, because I'd probably have more insight into who he is and whether or not I really like him as much as I feel I do right now. Just because I can't get him out of my head doesn't mean I have real insight into that. And the added delays just create more tension and anticipation for Date #3. Not that this is a good thing--the last thing I need is more drama to keep me up at night.

What I do wish is to have concrete plans with Alex, not just "dinner next week". It's not impossible to imagine that he remains so busy he pushes it back again and again, until Date #3 never materializes. And I have to accept that that could happen. I think at this point I'd be able to handle that better than I was earlier this week, when I thought his lack of immediate response to my e-mail was his way of getting the hell away from me. I couldn't have been more surprised to get that vm from him on Tuesday night; but in a way, I was expecting it all along. Not sure why, since I had--and still have--nothing of substance to feed such expectations.

That's another problem--that I have a feeling about him, so it's going to happen. I don't know where this comes from, and I really wish it would go away. It's not serving any good purpose for me right now, it only seems to be getting me further hooked on Alex. I can "see" him in my head sometimes in future poses and situations, where he's definitely occupying prime real estate in my life. He's walking beside me in broad daylight, which hasn't happened up to now. He's smiling at me inside a house--whose, I don't know, but it seems like it's a familiar place that I haven't been to yet. And it goes on and on. I can even see him at the end of a wedding aisle--this is really embarrassing!--but, I can't see my dress. I can see us--and bear with me here--actually exchanging vows (ugh, this is beyond all reason) and crying with equal parts happiness and relief. [Oh lord, I should delete that last bit before the humiliation of writing such sentimental drivel and posting it in public melts away what's left of my brain...]

So it comes down to this--I want to call him over the weekend about "dinner next week" to actually nail down the date, time and place, but I'm not sure that's a great idea for a few reasons. 1) I told him I wouldn't press him further, 2) I told him it's all up to him, and 3) I can't bear the thought of calling him and tipping my hand again about how into him I am--I've already gone too far on that score and can't risk sinking further in his view. So, instead, I'll suffer through the weekend hoping he'll call me, and either he won't, or he will and I won't be free to talk to him. Or I'll get run over by a bus and my life and these little swirling incidents and dramas and fantasies and hopes will float up and away into the ether where they truly must belong. None of this seems real enough to get me so worked up, but I just have a feeling...

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Cool for now

I actually like this cooling-my-heels period with Alex. No pressure, I don't have to worry about anything or think about anything. Not that I'm not thinking about Alex, of course--for some reason, I'm still finding it impossible not to think about him, but at least it's not hopeless. I don't get it, but maybe it's the medication.

I used that inhaler my doc prescribed this morning for the first time. It was weird, and I felt a little light-headed afterwards, but I think that was just in my head. I kept picturing Dead Todd and how he used his inhalers incessantly--but needfully--and got it right the first time. Not sure that it helped, and it actually felt like it did the opposite, but at least I got over my fear of using the thing. It's silly, I know, but that's me.

Jon and I are going to Perbacco for a post-Valentine's Day dinner celebration. It seems strange that everything's "normal" with him in the midst of all of this Alex stuff, but it is. I can't stand the thought of not having me around, but it's going to happen sooner or later, whatever happens with Alex, so guess I've got to start getting used to it. Thinking of signing up on match.com just to get my mind of both of them, but I think that's a dismal resort. I'll keep thinking about it, though, just as a way to distract.

Amy dropped a big bombshell yesterday: not only did she spend the night with Rob last Friday night, and apparently he hasn't forgotten her at all. He's still "scared", whatever that means, so she's in wait and see mode, like I am. Only her's is worse, because she knows she loves the guy and wants to be with him, if he can only get over this fear thing. I have no idea of my chances for a relationship with Alex, because I don't really know him at all. It feels like I do, but I really don't. I have no idea what he's thinking about, why he isn't dying to hang out with me again, and if he is, why he's not making it happen sooner than "next week" all the time.

Ooof, I didn't want to descend into another rant about Alex today, but guess that's where my head's at. Back to Amy: another big bombshell is that she's met some guy online who lives in Phoenix but is going to move to SF for work for a number of months, or so he says. She's very pragmatic about the whole thing, since she doesn't know him from Adam, but she's intrigued and interested enough to meet him when he shows up later this month or next month. Yikes! hope it works out for her...

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Truth be told, I always did like rollercoasters

So, looks like Alex and I are "on again", with plans for dinner "next week". I think that will give me enough time to decompress from the shock of getting that voicemail from him on my mobile phone last night. It truly was the last thing I expected. I mean, he's had my phone numbers forever, and he finally decides to call me on the very day that I was ready to give up on him? I think he could tell I was pretty much at the end of my rope from not hearing from him and being put off.

Not that he hasn't put me off again, since he's asked me out for next week, not this week. What gets me most is that even though I was in tears over the idea of not seeing him again, and my brain was telling me to suck it up and give it up, I really didn't believe we were done. I'm not going to say we're "meant to be" or anything like that, but something was keeping me from throwing in the towel, even though I thought it would be the best thing, for my own sanity. So there it is. He's planning date #3, and believe me, he's going to pay for it.


And I missed the Queen Mary II, or whatever, in SF on Monday. I was so wrapped up in my blue moods that I entirely forgot that I could just walk a couple of blocks and see an amazing ship, which is one of my favorite things to see. Whatever happens in my life going forward, I have got to stop letting these outside influences mess me up so much.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

No cures for what ails me

So, I finally went to the doctor today for a "new patient" appointment. She was perfectly nice and easy to talk to, but I knew I'd walk out of there without knowing what's been causing these headaches, iffy stomach and irritated eyes for the past week plus. My stomach especially acts up whenever I think about Alex and how it's all gone nowhere. That really gets me, still, but I think I'm starting to look past it. Not that there's much to see.

One "fun" thing--I'd scheduled a call with a reporter for one of my clients, and I had to literally "take" the call to the doctor's office. At least I've finally figured out how to mute my mobile phone--a real triumph--or I'd never have been able to do that. Now I can be late for the blue call on Thursdays and not have the drone of car noise and whatever else in the background. Thank the maker, as C3PO would say.

So, the doctor gave me an inhaler to treat what she suspects is "exercise-induced asthma", but that's not it. It's not that I can't get enough breath when I exercise, it's just that my lungs can't keep up with my legs. I always go way faster than other people I see on the elliptical, for example, and I think that's because I feel the need to push myself past the point of comfort. That's a new concept for me, since I'm normally so lazy.

And I'm supposed to take Claritin every day for a week, but I still have the pseudoephedrine kind that's not so easy to get anymore. Again, I don't think that's it either, even though there's a lot of smog and nasty air these days. In fact, it's been so bad, you can barely see the hills that separate the Peninsula from Coastside. Anyway, I guess we'll see, since I see her again next week to see if things have improved. I don't think anything's going to improve, healthwise or otherwise. Yeah, that's "poor me" talking. I'm back.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Nice day in Half Moon Bay

Jon and I drove out to the Ritz-Carlton in Half Moon Bay, which occupies an exquisite piece of ocean cliff just south of Highway 92. I didn't want to take off my shoes and deal with sandy feet, so we just walked down to the ocean as far as we could on the paved walkway. It was high tide, so that ended up being pretty close to water's edge.

Cool thing--we say 2 seals, or sea lions--we couldn't be sure--swimming fairly close to shore. In fact, they were in front of the waves most of the time. It was really cool to see them, since that's proof that there's still time to reverse the damage we're doing to the environment. If those animals are still swimming around, all healthy and seemingly happy, there's still something we can do to preserve their ecosystem. So shall we?

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Happy February. Or whatever.

Since I haven't bothered to post anything since January, I thought I'd better get back on the horse. Not that there's much of anything to report since last time...

I had a "fun" lunch on Tuesday with Michelle, who works across the way and goes to the gym at the same time I do--or actually, she's there much earlier for classes, but I'm heading to the showers when she's just out. We went to Pluto's, which I haven't been to in such a long time that I forgot the set-up there. When Gregg moved to SF and I was playing pretend girlfriend, we went to the one in the Marina a lot, almost obsessively. But I was pretty obsessive back then. Guess that hasn't changed much.

I was feeling really awkward with Michelle since 1) I barely know her, 2) I wasn't hungry because I'd gotten too hungry an hour beforehand and ate something smallish, but apparently quite filling, and 3) she works with Alex, and I both did and didn't want to bring him up both did and didn't want her to bring him up. So lucky for us both, neither of us did. Still, I kept talking and talking and probably came off like a loon, but she seems to be OK with it so far. When I saw her at the gym yesterday, she was as friendly and normal as she usually is. I really need to make and maintain more friendships with chicks, so I am breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't screw up as bad as I thought.

But Kat, with whom I was supposed to have lunch today near her office (and incidentally at my brother's work--Varian), just e-mailed me through someone else to cancel our plans. I knew she was busy because she very kindly kept me apprised of her schedule, and I'd even offered a few times to push it to next week, but she was insistent that we could do it this week. It's not so much that I was desperate to meet up with her (though I really want to), but that I'm already feeling rejected this week and am letting myself wallow in my perceived unattractiveness. Michelle said some really nice things to me--that I have a positive energy and such--and it was gratifying to hear. But I think I'm just more comfortable feeling less-than so that I have something to be angst-y about. I've always really enjoyed wallowing--physically, mentally or emotionally, it's all good--and I think that's what I'm up for (or down for) right now.

In fact, I'm not sure what I would do if everything turned around with Alex right now. I'm not particularly ready to be joyful, so I guess it's better that he's been putting me off this week. I know that sounds lame, but there it is.

At least I can look forward to drinks with Andrea, Shawna, Berger and Jason tonight.