I actually like this cooling-my-heels period with Alex. No pressure, I don't have to worry about anything or think about anything. Not that I'm not thinking about Alex, of course--for some reason, I'm still finding it impossible not to think about him, but at least it's not hopeless. I don't get it, but maybe it's the medication.
I used that inhaler my doc prescribed this morning for the first time. It was weird, and I felt a little light-headed afterwards, but I think that was just in my head. I kept picturing Dead Todd and how he used his inhalers incessantly--but needfully--and got it right the first time. Not sure that it helped, and it actually felt like it did the opposite, but at least I got over my fear of using the thing. It's silly, I know, but that's me.
Jon and I are going to Perbacco for a post-Valentine's Day dinner celebration. It seems strange that everything's "normal" with him in the midst of all of this Alex stuff, but it is. I can't stand the thought of not having me around, but it's going to happen sooner or later, whatever happens with Alex, so guess I've got to start getting used to it. Thinking of signing up on match.com just to get my mind of both of them, but I think that's a dismal resort. I'll keep thinking about it, though, just as a way to distract.
Amy dropped a big bombshell yesterday: not only did she spend the night with Rob last Friday night, and apparently he hasn't forgotten her at all. He's still "scared", whatever that means, so she's in wait and see mode, like I am. Only her's is worse, because she knows she loves the guy and wants to be with him, if he can only get over this fear thing. I have no idea of my chances for a relationship with Alex, because I don't really know him at all. It feels like I do, but I really don't. I have no idea what he's thinking about, why he isn't dying to hang out with me again, and if he is, why he's not making it happen sooner than "next week" all the time.
Ooof, I didn't want to descend into another rant about Alex today, but guess that's where my head's at. Back to Amy: another big bombshell is that she's met some guy online who lives in Phoenix but is going to move to SF for work for a number of months, or so he says. She's very pragmatic about the whole thing, since she doesn't know him from Adam, but she's intrigued and interested enough to meet him when he shows up later this month or next month. Yikes! hope it works out for her...
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Truth be told, I always did like rollercoasters
So, looks like Alex and I are "on again", with plans for dinner "next week". I think that will give me enough time to decompress from the shock of getting that voicemail from him on my mobile phone last night. It truly was the last thing I expected. I mean, he's had my phone numbers forever, and he finally decides to call me on the very day that I was ready to give up on him? I think he could tell I was pretty much at the end of my rope from not hearing from him and being put off.
Not that he hasn't put me off again, since he's asked me out for next week, not this week. What gets me most is that even though I was in tears over the idea of not seeing him again, and my brain was telling me to suck it up and give it up, I really didn't believe we were done. I'm not going to say we're "meant to be" or anything like that, but something was keeping me from throwing in the towel, even though I thought it would be the best thing, for my own sanity. So there it is. He's planning date #3, and believe me, he's going to pay for it.
And I missed the Queen Mary II, or whatever, in SF on Monday. I was so wrapped up in my blue moods that I entirely forgot that I could just walk a couple of blocks and see an amazing ship, which is one of my favorite things to see. Whatever happens in my life going forward, I have got to stop letting these outside influences mess me up so much.
Not that he hasn't put me off again, since he's asked me out for next week, not this week. What gets me most is that even though I was in tears over the idea of not seeing him again, and my brain was telling me to suck it up and give it up, I really didn't believe we were done. I'm not going to say we're "meant to be" or anything like that, but something was keeping me from throwing in the towel, even though I thought it would be the best thing, for my own sanity. So there it is. He's planning date #3, and believe me, he's going to pay for it.
And I missed the Queen Mary II, or whatever, in SF on Monday. I was so wrapped up in my blue moods that I entirely forgot that I could just walk a couple of blocks and see an amazing ship, which is one of my favorite things to see. Whatever happens in my life going forward, I have got to stop letting these outside influences mess me up so much.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
No cures for what ails me
So, I finally went to the doctor today for a "new patient" appointment. She was perfectly nice and easy to talk to, but I knew I'd walk out of there without knowing what's been causing these headaches, iffy stomach and irritated eyes for the past week plus. My stomach especially acts up whenever I think about Alex and how it's all gone nowhere. That really gets me, still, but I think I'm starting to look past it. Not that there's much to see.
One "fun" thing--I'd scheduled a call with a reporter for one of my clients, and I had to literally "take" the call to the doctor's office. At least I've finally figured out how to mute my mobile phone--a real triumph--or I'd never have been able to do that. Now I can be late for the blue call on Thursdays and not have the drone of car noise and whatever else in the background. Thank the maker, as C3PO would say.
So, the doctor gave me an inhaler to treat what she suspects is "exercise-induced asthma", but that's not it. It's not that I can't get enough breath when I exercise, it's just that my lungs can't keep up with my legs. I always go way faster than other people I see on the elliptical, for example, and I think that's because I feel the need to push myself past the point of comfort. That's a new concept for me, since I'm normally so lazy.
And I'm supposed to take Claritin every day for a week, but I still have the pseudoephedrine kind that's not so easy to get anymore. Again, I don't think that's it either, even though there's a lot of smog and nasty air these days. In fact, it's been so bad, you can barely see the hills that separate the Peninsula from Coastside. Anyway, I guess we'll see, since I see her again next week to see if things have improved. I don't think anything's going to improve, healthwise or otherwise. Yeah, that's "poor me" talking. I'm back.
One "fun" thing--I'd scheduled a call with a reporter for one of my clients, and I had to literally "take" the call to the doctor's office. At least I've finally figured out how to mute my mobile phone--a real triumph--or I'd never have been able to do that. Now I can be late for the blue call on Thursdays and not have the drone of car noise and whatever else in the background. Thank the maker, as C3PO would say.
So, the doctor gave me an inhaler to treat what she suspects is "exercise-induced asthma", but that's not it. It's not that I can't get enough breath when I exercise, it's just that my lungs can't keep up with my legs. I always go way faster than other people I see on the elliptical, for example, and I think that's because I feel the need to push myself past the point of comfort. That's a new concept for me, since I'm normally so lazy.
And I'm supposed to take Claritin every day for a week, but I still have the pseudoephedrine kind that's not so easy to get anymore. Again, I don't think that's it either, even though there's a lot of smog and nasty air these days. In fact, it's been so bad, you can barely see the hills that separate the Peninsula from Coastside. Anyway, I guess we'll see, since I see her again next week to see if things have improved. I don't think anything's going to improve, healthwise or otherwise. Yeah, that's "poor me" talking. I'm back.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Nice day in Half Moon Bay
Jon and I drove out to the Ritz-Carlton in Half Moon Bay, which occupies an exquisite piece of ocean cliff just south of Highway 92. I didn't want to take off my shoes and deal with sandy feet, so we just walked down to the ocean as far as we could on the paved walkway. It was high tide, so that ended up being pretty close to water's edge.
Cool thing--we say 2 seals, or sea lions--we couldn't be sure--swimming fairly close to shore. In fact, they were in front of the waves most of the time. It was really cool to see them, since that's proof that there's still time to reverse the damage we're doing to the environment. If those animals are still swimming around, all healthy and seemingly happy, there's still something we can do to preserve their ecosystem. So shall we?
Cool thing--we say 2 seals, or sea lions--we couldn't be sure--swimming fairly close to shore. In fact, they were in front of the waves most of the time. It was really cool to see them, since that's proof that there's still time to reverse the damage we're doing to the environment. If those animals are still swimming around, all healthy and seemingly happy, there's still something we can do to preserve their ecosystem. So shall we?
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Happy February. Or whatever.
Since I haven't bothered to post anything since January, I thought I'd better get back on the horse. Not that there's much of anything to report since last time...
I had a "fun" lunch on Tuesday with Michelle, who works across the way and goes to the gym at the same time I do--or actually, she's there much earlier for classes, but I'm heading to the showers when she's just out. We went to Pluto's, which I haven't been to in such a long time that I forgot the set-up there. When Gregg moved to SF and I was playing pretend girlfriend, we went to the one in the Marina a lot, almost obsessively. But I was pretty obsessive back then. Guess that hasn't changed much.
I was feeling really awkward with Michelle since 1) I barely know her, 2) I wasn't hungry because I'd gotten too hungry an hour beforehand and ate something smallish, but apparently quite filling, and 3) she works with Alex, and I both did and didn't want to bring him up both did and didn't want her to bring him up. So lucky for us both, neither of us did. Still, I kept talking and talking and probably came off like a loon, but she seems to be OK with it so far. When I saw her at the gym yesterday, she was as friendly and normal as she usually is. I really need to make and maintain more friendships with chicks, so I am breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't screw up as bad as I thought.
But Kat, with whom I was supposed to have lunch today near her office (and incidentally at my brother's work--Varian), just e-mailed me through someone else to cancel our plans. I knew she was busy because she very kindly kept me apprised of her schedule, and I'd even offered a few times to push it to next week, but she was insistent that we could do it this week. It's not so much that I was desperate to meet up with her (though I really want to), but that I'm already feeling rejected this week and am letting myself wallow in my perceived unattractiveness. Michelle said some really nice things to me--that I have a positive energy and such--and it was gratifying to hear. But I think I'm just more comfortable feeling less-than so that I have something to be angst-y about. I've always really enjoyed wallowing--physically, mentally or emotionally, it's all good--and I think that's what I'm up for (or down for) right now.
In fact, I'm not sure what I would do if everything turned around with Alex right now. I'm not particularly ready to be joyful, so I guess it's better that he's been putting me off this week. I know that sounds lame, but there it is.
At least I can look forward to drinks with Andrea, Shawna, Berger and Jason tonight.
I had a "fun" lunch on Tuesday with Michelle, who works across the way and goes to the gym at the same time I do--or actually, she's there much earlier for classes, but I'm heading to the showers when she's just out. We went to Pluto's, which I haven't been to in such a long time that I forgot the set-up there. When Gregg moved to SF and I was playing pretend girlfriend, we went to the one in the Marina a lot, almost obsessively. But I was pretty obsessive back then. Guess that hasn't changed much.
I was feeling really awkward with Michelle since 1) I barely know her, 2) I wasn't hungry because I'd gotten too hungry an hour beforehand and ate something smallish, but apparently quite filling, and 3) she works with Alex, and I both did and didn't want to bring him up both did and didn't want her to bring him up. So lucky for us both, neither of us did. Still, I kept talking and talking and probably came off like a loon, but she seems to be OK with it so far. When I saw her at the gym yesterday, she was as friendly and normal as she usually is. I really need to make and maintain more friendships with chicks, so I am breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't screw up as bad as I thought.
But Kat, with whom I was supposed to have lunch today near her office (and incidentally at my brother's work--Varian), just e-mailed me through someone else to cancel our plans. I knew she was busy because she very kindly kept me apprised of her schedule, and I'd even offered a few times to push it to next week, but she was insistent that we could do it this week. It's not so much that I was desperate to meet up with her (though I really want to), but that I'm already feeling rejected this week and am letting myself wallow in my perceived unattractiveness. Michelle said some really nice things to me--that I have a positive energy and such--and it was gratifying to hear. But I think I'm just more comfortable feeling less-than so that I have something to be angst-y about. I've always really enjoyed wallowing--physically, mentally or emotionally, it's all good--and I think that's what I'm up for (or down for) right now.
In fact, I'm not sure what I would do if everything turned around with Alex right now. I'm not particularly ready to be joyful, so I guess it's better that he's been putting me off this week. I know that sounds lame, but there it is.
At least I can look forward to drinks with Andrea, Shawna, Berger and Jason tonight.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Ooof, gotta lay low now
OK, so it turns out that Alex didn't park his car around the corner to avoid me yesterday--he just wasn't at work after all. I woke up knowing this for sure, strangely enough, but I decided that even if there was an explanation, I shouldn't just jump right back in. I wrote him yesterday around this time (because that's when he usually writes me) as an offering, but that was a really dumb thing to do. But I didn't think I could feel OK unless I did it, and I was right. So he wrote me about 10 minutes ago apologizing about the long delay in getting back to me, and to say that he's up for another dinner, but "this week's looking a bit tight, perhaps next week?"
So now I don't think I'll be writing him back until at least tomorrow. I don't want to play games, but this has been really hard on me--physically, emotionally and mentally. I don't think he's trying to string me along, but I don't think he knows what to do with me. I think it's safe to say he just not that into me and leave it there, and let him find me when he's up for it. Or not, whatever, but I have to get off this roller coaster.
I can't really blame him for any of this--I might have laid it on a bit thick when we were last together, telling him how he makes me feel, yada yada yada. Too late now. But I can't devote any more energy to this until I get my head back on straight. Not that I know how to do that. But a week's break between dates will probably go a long way toward that.
So now I don't think I'll be writing him back until at least tomorrow. I don't want to play games, but this has been really hard on me--physically, emotionally and mentally. I don't think he's trying to string me along, but I don't think he knows what to do with me. I think it's safe to say he just not that into me and leave it there, and let him find me when he's up for it. Or not, whatever, but I have to get off this roller coaster.
I can't really blame him for any of this--I might have laid it on a bit thick when we were last together, telling him how he makes me feel, yada yada yada. Too late now. But I can't devote any more energy to this until I get my head back on straight. Not that I know how to do that. But a week's break between dates will probably go a long way toward that.
Monday, January 29, 2007
OK, back to the drawing board
I'm starting to think that the Alex thing just isn't going to happen--he didn't write me back about when he's available after his e-mail on Friday thanking me and looking forward to more. I just don't know what's going on with him, so I should probably bow out quietly and not expect him to pursue this.
Our server went down again, so I took off to get some food and noticed I didn't see his car in the lot. I wondered, of course, where he could be, since he didn't say anything about not planning to be at work today during our date on Thurs. When I got back, still no car, but as I walked back to the building, I noticed it around the corner, just out of the corner of my eye. Ugh, i feel like an idiot, but what else is new? I think it's significant that I haven't heard from him since Fri, and now he's parking around the corner.
Even though I am feeling pretty unhappy and hopeless right now, I have this strange sense of hope. Not sure where this is coming from, especially since I really have nothing to base it on. I have this odd idea that things will somehow turn out, that I'm not wrong about Alex's interest, and that I'll look back on all of this and laugh someday. I hope it's soon, because these 2 weeks have been a terrible up and down ride for my stomach.
Our server went down again, so I took off to get some food and noticed I didn't see his car in the lot. I wondered, of course, where he could be, since he didn't say anything about not planning to be at work today during our date on Thurs. When I got back, still no car, but as I walked back to the building, I noticed it around the corner, just out of the corner of my eye. Ugh, i feel like an idiot, but what else is new? I think it's significant that I haven't heard from him since Fri, and now he's parking around the corner.
Even though I am feeling pretty unhappy and hopeless right now, I have this strange sense of hope. Not sure where this is coming from, especially since I really have nothing to base it on. I have this odd idea that things will somehow turn out, that I'm not wrong about Alex's interest, and that I'll look back on all of this and laugh someday. I hope it's soon, because these 2 weeks have been a terrible up and down ride for my stomach.
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