March 6

Ooof, I saw Alex through the office window this morning when I was checking out Noah’s old cubicle, and we talked for a bit. Turns out he spent his day off yesterday dealing with that speeding ticket he got in December, not enjoying hedonistic pursuits. A real shame, because he obviously works very hard and deserves that kind of relaxation. So he said he owes me an e-mail, which means he did get the message I sent him last week. Wasn’t sure it didn’t end up in spam, since I sent it from AOL to his work e-mail (the only addy I have for him). But he only said this when I asked him how this week was looking for him. I got the distinct impression that I’ve backed him into a corner and he’s trying to figure a way out. Maybe I’m over-thinking again, but I’m not sure. I wish there was some way that I could back off in a way that would let him know I’m not some crazy chick breathing down his neck. I feel like such an idiot sometimes.

Lonn and Craig are doing Bikram yoga once a week, and Craig just stumbled in here looking dazed and confused. It’s pretty cool they’re doing this, but I think it’s taking a mental toll on Craig. He’ll get used to it, I hope.

February 23

Woohoo! Jenna and I are leaving work at 4:30-ish for drinks at Perbacco. But it's only 11:06 a.m. now--geez, I can't wait to get out of here!

I'm bogged down with work, but I can't concentrate at the moment. I've been taking Celexa for a little over a week now, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. My eyes are always dry and irritated and I'm spacey, but the eye thing was happening before. Still, doesn't help me feel any better. Guess I should take a Claritin in case it's caused by allergies...

I like how the pill dissolves on your tongue almost before you can even taste anything. Uh oh, wonder if there's any risk of bad interaction between Celexa and Claritin? Too late now. Let's just hope I'm alive by the time happy hour starts.

February 21--RIP Malik Shabazz

El Hajj Malik El Shabazz (sorry for missing hyphens, but not sure where to put them), A.K.A. Malcolm X, ne Malcolm Little, was murdered on this date in New York City in 1963. Not sure why I always remember that, but there it is.

Crickets from Alex, even though I e-mailed him first thing yesterday morning. Not sure what's going on there, but I am still hoping we'll get together this week. Still not holding my breath...

I find that about an hour after I take the Celexa, my mind goes wonky. And an hour after that, I start to get dizzy. Not sure this happens every time, but thought I'd put this on the record so I can refer to it later.

Anyway, I'm having all kinds of trouble concentrating, and that's saying a lot since I normally have trouble concentrating. But I'm trying to get through this series of tutorials for InDesign 2.0, and it's mostly futile. If I could just pay attention long enough to listen to the guy's droning, I'd be in business, but I can't do it right now.

Looking forward to visiting Jennifer Convertibles with Jenna in about an hour and a half. I mean, I guess I'm looking forward to it. Don't think I could concentrate on my book anyway, and it's probably better for me to be walking around and trying to interact than snoozing awake, like I'm doing now. Geez, this stuff is really something--really doing a number on me.

February 16

So I'm doing away with the cutesy titles. It's too much work to think about a title before I start writing, and I don't like leaving it blank as I'm writing. Yes, it's crazy and nit-picky, but maybe that's why I'm on this SSRI...

I'm 3 doses into the Celexa, and I'm feeling a little spacey. Taking it in the morning did make a huge difference--I was definitely able to sleep last night and didn't wake up at all! Weird. I had a lot of trouble deciding whether or not to continue it after the Night of Waking Hell, but my doc said I should give it 2 more days, take it in the morning instead, and see if the insomnia side effect diminishes or disappears in that time. So far, so good, but I'm not holding my breath. Been doing that too much lately, and I need the oxygen back.

Anyhoo, Jon and I are doing the belated Valentine's Day thing tonight. Dinner at Perbacco, a movie (hopefully Music & Lyrics with Drew Barrymore, but we'll see) and cuddling...that's always a good thing!!

February 14

Yeah, so? It's Valentine's Day, and I've been up since just after 1 a.m. because I started on some anti-anxiety medication that's making a real mess out of me. My doctor suggested it because of the problems i've been having with falling asleep and sleeping through the night since Pap's stroke just before Christmas. He's much better now, but i think all the fear, anguish and unwonted responsibility and uncertainty I went through in the days and weeks afterward have finally caught up with me.

The medication is awful, and I'm thinking I'll not take dose 2 tonight. I mean, if I wanted to not sleep and be all jittery, headachy and nauseous, I could have gotten all that without the medication. These days, at least.

So I stayed home, since 2 hours of sleep + unpredictable nausea + intermittent headache and dizziness = a bad idea to get behind the wheel or in front of a computer for too long. I'm even having some blurred vision, which I think is one of those "call your doctor right away" symptoms--I have to check. Guess I'll go do that now...

Ooof, gotta lay low now

OK, so it turns out that Alex didn't park his car around the corner to avoid me yesterday--he just wasn't at work after all. I woke up knowing this for sure, strangely enough, but I decided that even if there was an explanation, I shouldn't just jump right back in. I wrote him yesterday around this time (because that's when he usually writes me) as an offering, but that was a really dumb thing to do. But I didn't think I could feel OK unless I did it, and I was right. So he wrote me about 10 minutes ago apologizing about the long delay in getting back to me, and to say that he's up for another dinner, but "this week's looking a bit tight, perhaps next week?"

So now I don't think I'll be writing him back until at least tomorrow. I don't want to play games, but this has been really hard on me--physically, emotionally and mentally. I don't think he's trying to string me along, but I don't think he knows what to do with me. I think it's safe to say he just not that into me and leave it there, and let him find me when he's up for it. Or not, whatever, but I have to get off this roller coaster.

I can't really blame him for any of this--I might have laid it on a bit thick when we were last together, telling him how he makes me feel, yada yada yada. Too late now. But I can't devote any more energy to this until I get my head back on straight. Not that I know how to do that. But a week's break between dates will probably go a long way toward that.