March 22

OK, now this doesn't change anything, I swear. I have no intention of getting back onto the Alex roller coaster, believe me. But...

I happened to e-mail Alex this morning about how I scored a bottle of a 2005 Lodi Zinfandel when I complained to Lonn that he hadn't yet taken home his last delivery from earlier this week, and that it was getting in my way, quite literally. I asked him if he was going to take it home, or should I. So he opened the box and handed me a bottle, explaining that a client's family makes it, or something along those lines. Like I care--all I wanted was a free bottle of wine from Lonn's collection.

Anyhoo, I e-mailed Alex about my oenophilic score (the subject line said "Woohoo!"), and he asked what it was. When I told him, this is what he wrote back (and I kid you not):

"So it’s a highly concentrated fruit forward zin grown in hot and dry central California with low tannins and lots of alcohol...would prefer a Napa cab with greater structure and the dusty nuances of terroir from the Rutherford bench...but I definitely wouldn’t turn down a glass of your zin. Perhaps we should share both wines together??"

And this was my reply:

"I certainly wouldn't turn down the chance to taste wines with you, especially since you're such a know-it-all. I mean, did you read what you just wrote? Ha ha. But I'll believe it when I see it. Ball's in your court (as usual), Mr. Oenophile."

I will admit to nothing beyond this--I only wrote him because I thought he'd find the whole thing very interesting, not to finagle a private "wine event", as he put it during our first fiasco at Evvia all those long weeks ago. I really have put him (mostly) behind me, but that's not to say that I would turn down a chance to hang with him. Knowing now what I didn't know then puts me at better advantage to ignore all of his fawning promises (like the one above) and keep myself from getting involved in an imaginary affair all over again.

It still really smarts that I wasn't good enough, or whatever, to keep his interest longer than 2 weeks. I was feeling pretty bad about it last night, for instance. But I'm not wallowing, nor do I plan to. I'd like to avoid feeling sorry for myself, and I'm really trying. We'll see how it goes.

March 21

It’s been so long since I’ve posted, I can barely remember how to do it! A number of developments since the last time:

• Amy and Noah have left the company, and we had a great lunch at Perbacco to see them both off. Sucked that we had a combined farewell instead of separate ones, but it was fun and really good anyway.
• Jon ran a 12K on Sunday and did really well. Also, he finally got his first check from that contract job at Thomson. Only 3 weeks late. Now he can finally eat and buy shoes.
• I've lost all interest in pursuing the Alex thing, which is good for me and bad for any hopes I have about the future. It’s not that I don’t feel I have a future unless I have Alex—certainly not, but that it seems like such an uphill battle to find someone who is age-appropriate, successful, active and fun that I’ve pretty much given up.
• I turned 39 last Thursday, so 40 is just around the corner, and I can't quite wrap my brain around it. Take that as you will, but I take it as an indication that I should be grown up by now with a place and things and a future of my own. That I’m am and have none of these things is pretty troubling to me.

This is probably why I haven’t been posting—I don’t want to look at any of this stuff because it’s pretty painful. Still, a journal is supposed to help you deal with your issues, and I haven’t been letting it. So maybe I’ll start a new blog that veers away from the never-ending nightmare pose and looks forward to the next phase of my life—on the cusp of 40, but still feeling 20. Not sure that’s more positive than never-ending nightmare, but it is a little more forward-thinking and might be a better direction for me to look to at this point. Wherever that is.

March 6

Ooof, I saw Alex through the office window this morning when I was checking out Noah’s old cubicle, and we talked for a bit. Turns out he spent his day off yesterday dealing with that speeding ticket he got in December, not enjoying hedonistic pursuits. A real shame, because he obviously works very hard and deserves that kind of relaxation. So he said he owes me an e-mail, which means he did get the message I sent him last week. Wasn’t sure it didn’t end up in spam, since I sent it from AOL to his work e-mail (the only addy I have for him). But he only said this when I asked him how this week was looking for him. I got the distinct impression that I’ve backed him into a corner and he’s trying to figure a way out. Maybe I’m over-thinking again, but I’m not sure. I wish there was some way that I could back off in a way that would let him know I’m not some crazy chick breathing down his neck. I feel like such an idiot sometimes.

Lonn and Craig are doing Bikram yoga once a week, and Craig just stumbled in here looking dazed and confused. It’s pretty cool they’re doing this, but I think it’s taking a mental toll on Craig. He’ll get used to it, I hope.

March 1--in like a lion. Or whatever

Patience is a virtue, they say. But “they” are always saying something, as Pap has often said. Still, I think it’s a great plan for me to become more comfortable with being patient with myself, and with those around me. I shouldn’t have to feel pleased every second of the day to be OK, should I? I have to let it go when someone cuts me off in traffic, or when Trish cuts off a client in mid-sentence, or when I cut my nails too short. So one of my new goals is to seek patience so I don’t drive myself nuts and drive others away.

I know what you’re thinking, I bet. You’re thinking, “yeah right, let’s see how long this Zen attitude lasts, if it even starts.” Am I at least close? Thought so. I’m pretty impatient and anxious by nature, so it’s no surprise that I just spent the month of hell freaking out over Alex. I really don’t know what the fuss was all about—is that evidence perhaps that the Celexa is finally starting to work? I really hope so, because I’ve been feeling mostly down about my life and prospects, as evidenced by my two blog posts on Feb 27. But I’m starting to feel like I might be entering a period of good luck, or at least not indifferent luck.

I hope the same for Pap, because he could really use some good luck about now. He’s still having trouble with his knees, and it’s painful to think that just a few weeks ago, he was striding better than he had in years. I think it’s due to the cold, wet weather, so maybe once things warm up and dry out, he’ll improve again. But he’s also seeming a little confused or slow these days too, and I’m worried that this might have something to do with the strokes. I can’t imagine him not being in my life the way he has been all these years, so I do hope I’m just overreacting. It doesn’t help that he’s pretty socially isolated and has no close friends to talk to about his condition and what he’s been going through. All he has is his family, a bunch of blood-sucking whiners. No wonder he’s maybe starting to forget stuff, because really, who’d want to remember that kind of crap?

On a happier note, Joy’s thirty-first birthday is on Sunday, March 4, and we’re planning the usual dinner and cake thing in the afternoon. Guess I should call people—Bev, Jennifer…oh, that’s right, John’s moved to LA and Janee still lives in Sacto, so I guess I don’t have to put them on the guest call list. Maybe we’ll have some pizza and salad, but that’s boring. But I’m not feeling particularly Martha-like these days, so maybe that will just have to do. IT would be nice to cook something, though, so maybe Jon can help me brainstorm and execute something nice.

And the SF Chinese New Year’s Parade is this Saturday, and I’m trying to get Jason to agree to drive us all. Maybe we can even go to the Montgomery St. gym—much nicer than the one near my office—beforehand. Jason actually, finally bought cross-trainers, so now he has no excuse not to work out. Geez, he’s being so lame, insisting on joining the gym MONTHS ago, and then refusing to buy shoes to actually get some exercise. It’s been a serious annoyance, but there it is.

Lauren’s farewell cocktail thing is tomorrow night, and since I’ll be in Berkeley already, it’s a no-brainer. Can’t wait to see people—Shane, especially. It’s been a minute since we talked last, but that’s my fault. I didn’t call him back when he called, like, 3 weeks ago. Duh. So I’m in for it. It’ll be amazing to have her working at my company, albeit in SF. She’ll do a great job and take to the work quickly, I just know it. Woohoo!!