Things aren't going so well for the men in orange and black on opening day, and I think it has everything to do with that silly park they play in. Nothing good happens there, and no one seems to care, except for me. Wow, this time of year always brings up memories of Candlestick Park and how great it was to visit and watch games in. Sigh...It's 7-0 padres in the 7th inning. Or 8th--I've lost track. Zito just didn't have it today, which really sucks.
I've agreed to meet up with with Alex tonight, so we're going to Vino Locale, the new wine bar on Kipling that Jenna recommends. I kinda wish we were going somewhere one of us has been to before, but oh well, his choice. Not sure why that matters to me. Guess is has to do with being off-balance about this and wishing I had some footing to rely on. He checked out the winery list on their Web site, and was well enough pleased to give it the go-ahead. At least I'm not dragging him somewhere he doesn't want to be. At least, I hope I'm not.
Alex called me this morning on my mobile, and we talked for 10 minutes about our plans and my review and his counter-offer for the house he and his brother are selling. I'm trying to think of this as a friend date, since what guy disappears for TWO MONTHS without making solid plans to meet up after two seemingly great dates if he's actually interested in dating the woman? I know he's been busy, but i still think he'd have made the time all along if wanted to see me. I can't believe anyone who isn't running a small nation could be that busy for that long. Hell, even doctors who work 18-hour shifts take Wednesdays off to play golf. I think.
Whatever, I'm not hostile and bitter, just puzzled. I'm not sure why he wants to do this tonight, but it was all his idea--I stopped asking weeks ago. I hope it's not that he feels bad about disappearing, and he's just doing this to appease me. I don't want to be appeased--I'd rather understand what's going on with him, and know if I shouldn't have expectations beyond friendship. I'm perfectly OK with being friends, really. It's been long enough since the second date that I can't imagine he's into me that way anymore. But why would he want to do this at all if he just wanted to be friends? I can't say i understand him, so i should just stop trying until i can get better info. I've been driving myself nuts over this for so long. Gotta stop!!
So
Showing posts with label second-guesses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label second-guesses. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
March 22
OK, now this doesn't change anything, I swear. I have no intention of getting back onto the Alex roller coaster, believe me. But...
I happened to e-mail Alex this morning about how I scored a bottle of a 2005 Lodi Zinfandel when I complained to Lonn that he hadn't yet taken home his last delivery from earlier this week, and that it was getting in my way, quite literally. I asked him if he was going to take it home, or should I. So he opened the box and handed me a bottle, explaining that a client's family makes it, or something along those lines. Like I care--all I wanted was a free bottle of wine from Lonn's collection.
Anyhoo, I e-mailed Alex about my oenophilic score (the subject line said "Woohoo!"), and he asked what it was. When I told him, this is what he wrote back (and I kid you not):
"So it’s a highly concentrated fruit forward zin grown in hot and dry central California with low tannins and lots of alcohol...would prefer a Napa cab with greater structure and the dusty nuances of terroir from the Rutherford bench...but I definitely wouldn’t turn down a glass of your zin. Perhaps we should share both wines together??"
And this was my reply:
"I certainly wouldn't turn down the chance to taste wines with you, especially since you're such a know-it-all. I mean, did you read what you just wrote? Ha ha. But I'll believe it when I see it. Ball's in your court (as usual), Mr. Oenophile."
I will admit to nothing beyond this--I only wrote him because I thought he'd find the whole thing very interesting, not to finagle a private "wine event", as he put it during our first fiasco at Evvia all those long weeks ago. I really have put him (mostly) behind me, but that's not to say that I would turn down a chance to hang with him. Knowing now what I didn't know then puts me at better advantage to ignore all of his fawning promises (like the one above) and keep myself from getting involved in an imaginary affair all over again.
It still really smarts that I wasn't good enough, or whatever, to keep his interest longer than 2 weeks. I was feeling pretty bad about it last night, for instance. But I'm not wallowing, nor do I plan to. I'd like to avoid feeling sorry for myself, and I'm really trying. We'll see how it goes.
I happened to e-mail Alex this morning about how I scored a bottle of a 2005 Lodi Zinfandel when I complained to Lonn that he hadn't yet taken home his last delivery from earlier this week, and that it was getting in my way, quite literally. I asked him if he was going to take it home, or should I. So he opened the box and handed me a bottle, explaining that a client's family makes it, or something along those lines. Like I care--all I wanted was a free bottle of wine from Lonn's collection.
Anyhoo, I e-mailed Alex about my oenophilic score (the subject line said "Woohoo!"), and he asked what it was. When I told him, this is what he wrote back (and I kid you not):
"So it’s a highly concentrated fruit forward zin grown in hot and dry central California with low tannins and lots of alcohol...would prefer a Napa cab with greater structure and the dusty nuances of terroir from the Rutherford bench...but I definitely wouldn’t turn down a glass of your zin. Perhaps we should share both wines together??"
And this was my reply:
"I certainly wouldn't turn down the chance to taste wines with you, especially since you're such a know-it-all. I mean, did you read what you just wrote? Ha ha. But I'll believe it when I see it. Ball's in your court (as usual), Mr. Oenophile."
I will admit to nothing beyond this--I only wrote him because I thought he'd find the whole thing very interesting, not to finagle a private "wine event", as he put it during our first fiasco at Evvia all those long weeks ago. I really have put him (mostly) behind me, but that's not to say that I would turn down a chance to hang with him. Knowing now what I didn't know then puts me at better advantage to ignore all of his fawning promises (like the one above) and keep myself from getting involved in an imaginary affair all over again.
It still really smarts that I wasn't good enough, or whatever, to keep his interest longer than 2 weeks. I was feeling pretty bad about it last night, for instance. But I'm not wallowing, nor do I plan to. I'd like to avoid feeling sorry for myself, and I'm really trying. We'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
March 6
Ooof, I saw Alex through the office window this morning when I was checking out Noah’s old cubicle, and we talked for a bit. Turns out he spent his day off yesterday dealing with that speeding ticket he got in December, not enjoying hedonistic pursuits. A real shame, because he obviously works very hard and deserves that kind of relaxation. So he said he owes me an e-mail, which means he did get the message I sent him last week. Wasn’t sure it didn’t end up in spam, since I sent it from AOL to his work e-mail (the only addy I have for him). But he only said this when I asked him how this week was looking for him. I got the distinct impression that I’ve backed him into a corner and he’s trying to figure a way out. Maybe I’m over-thinking again, but I’m not sure. I wish there was some way that I could back off in a way that would let him know I’m not some crazy chick breathing down his neck. I feel like such an idiot sometimes.
Lonn and Craig are doing Bikram yoga once a week, and Craig just stumbled in here looking dazed and confused. It’s pretty cool they’re doing this, but I think it’s taking a mental toll on Craig. He’ll get used to it, I hope.
Lonn and Craig are doing Bikram yoga once a week, and Craig just stumbled in here looking dazed and confused. It’s pretty cool they’re doing this, but I think it’s taking a mental toll on Craig. He’ll get used to it, I hope.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
February 27
I’m trying to figure out how I really feel about things not working out the way I’d hoped with Alex, and so far, it seems OK. Really. He’s still embedded in my thoughts for some reason, and the idea of him is still running as my brain wallpaper, so it’s not like I’m over it already or anything. But at least I’m starting to come to rational terms with the truth—which is that he’s just not that into me, or, even worse, just wants to be friends.
Ooof, can’t pretend that I’m entirely OK with that, but what choice do I have but to accept it? He’s given me no indication that he wants to get together—come on it’s been over a month since our second date already—and he’s only called when I seem to be pulling the plug on things. He doesn’t seek me out otherwise, and he doesn’t try to make plans when we do “connect”. I just have to accept that it’s not going to happen and try to move forward.
So what does “moving forward” look like? Hell if I know, but my birthday’s in a little over two weeks, so I have to start thinking again about what I want to accomplish in the next year, my last before I hit my forties. “My forties”—now that’s a slap in the face. I’m a year away from turning forty, and I have nothing tangible to show for all those years of experience and “accomplishment”. Like I keep telling anyone who’ll listen, I don’t feel I’ve gained much since age nineteen, and that was almost twenty years ago. The only thing I can say I’m truly proud of for that time period is that I finally went back to college and graduated. I’d like to say I had many more points of pride, but I can’t think of a single thing beyond that.
Not to belittle that accomplishment at all—it was a huge thing to go back to Cal at age thirty-five among all the traditional-age students and finally get it done. Yes, it messed with my head, and I think that’s why I feel stuck at nineteen now and have a boyfriend who’s twenty-two. Strange thing happened yesterday—I ran into Curt Heredia while waiting for Jason at Turtle Bay. Curt was that guy from Bewitch who was Robby Allen’s best friend, and he was really cute and totally trouble. He was some kind of athletic god with a billion friends and way outside of my social sphere. As if I had a social sphere.
He actually thought I might have been a cheerleader. As if! He kept naming people who I’d known of but didn’t ever have any social contact with. He didn’t realize I was a total outcast, which makes me wonder how on earth he recognized me at all. He said it was my voice, but that’s not likely. I mean, I was eleven and twelve when he might have heard it, and I certainly don’t sound twelve anymore. Very strange. The best part is that I didn’t recognize him one whit. He was totally changed, would never have thought in a million years that he was Curt Heredia. Not very attractive, but still had that glassy, cocky look in his eye. But he was anything but cocky, more teasing and fun.
I wonder what it would have been like for me if I’d been in his crew. I wasn’t in their league, socially, looks-wise, or mentally. I couldn’t have handled it to save my life. I think that when I met and connected with Alex, it made me think I could be attractive and interesting to a successful, established guy who is actually attractive and interesting to me. But I think that was a lot of wishful thinking rather than a real connection. Hence, it didn’t continue beyond the second date. I don’t mean to say that I’m not worthy or whatever, but just that it’s not likely to happen again with such serendipity. I didn’t have to do anything to get his attention! But I couldn’t keep it, not even in the “short” run. So I’m not exactly confident of my ability to “create lightning in a jar” again.
So, I’m not exactly afraid of the idea that if I don’t find exactly the right guy for me, I’ll just be alone. I was thinking that way before my dates with Alex, so it shouldn’t be a stretch to go back. But it would be a hell of a lot easier if I hadn’t had a small taste of what I’d be missing. Lots of people go thru this, and lots of people are alone, unloved by someone special and have no hope of being otherwise. Over the last few weeks especially, I’ve looked at homeless people or handicapped people or just unattractive people and thought how sad it was for them that they’d never have a chance like the one I have with Alex. I shouldn’t have thought such a terrible thing, because it’s come back to bite me quite squarely in the ass.
Ooof, can’t pretend that I’m entirely OK with that, but what choice do I have but to accept it? He’s given me no indication that he wants to get together—come on it’s been over a month since our second date already—and he’s only called when I seem to be pulling the plug on things. He doesn’t seek me out otherwise, and he doesn’t try to make plans when we do “connect”. I just have to accept that it’s not going to happen and try to move forward.
So what does “moving forward” look like? Hell if I know, but my birthday’s in a little over two weeks, so I have to start thinking again about what I want to accomplish in the next year, my last before I hit my forties. “My forties”—now that’s a slap in the face. I’m a year away from turning forty, and I have nothing tangible to show for all those years of experience and “accomplishment”. Like I keep telling anyone who’ll listen, I don’t feel I’ve gained much since age nineteen, and that was almost twenty years ago. The only thing I can say I’m truly proud of for that time period is that I finally went back to college and graduated. I’d like to say I had many more points of pride, but I can’t think of a single thing beyond that.
Not to belittle that accomplishment at all—it was a huge thing to go back to Cal at age thirty-five among all the traditional-age students and finally get it done. Yes, it messed with my head, and I think that’s why I feel stuck at nineteen now and have a boyfriend who’s twenty-two. Strange thing happened yesterday—I ran into Curt Heredia while waiting for Jason at Turtle Bay. Curt was that guy from Bewitch who was Robby Allen’s best friend, and he was really cute and totally trouble. He was some kind of athletic god with a billion friends and way outside of my social sphere. As if I had a social sphere.
He actually thought I might have been a cheerleader. As if! He kept naming people who I’d known of but didn’t ever have any social contact with. He didn’t realize I was a total outcast, which makes me wonder how on earth he recognized me at all. He said it was my voice, but that’s not likely. I mean, I was eleven and twelve when he might have heard it, and I certainly don’t sound twelve anymore. Very strange. The best part is that I didn’t recognize him one whit. He was totally changed, would never have thought in a million years that he was Curt Heredia. Not very attractive, but still had that glassy, cocky look in his eye. But he was anything but cocky, more teasing and fun.
I wonder what it would have been like for me if I’d been in his crew. I wasn’t in their league, socially, looks-wise, or mentally. I couldn’t have handled it to save my life. I think that when I met and connected with Alex, it made me think I could be attractive and interesting to a successful, established guy who is actually attractive and interesting to me. But I think that was a lot of wishful thinking rather than a real connection. Hence, it didn’t continue beyond the second date. I don’t mean to say that I’m not worthy or whatever, but just that it’s not likely to happen again with such serendipity. I didn’t have to do anything to get his attention! But I couldn’t keep it, not even in the “short” run. So I’m not exactly confident of my ability to “create lightning in a jar” again.
So, I’m not exactly afraid of the idea that if I don’t find exactly the right guy for me, I’ll just be alone. I was thinking that way before my dates with Alex, so it shouldn’t be a stretch to go back. But it would be a hell of a lot easier if I hadn’t had a small taste of what I’d be missing. Lots of people go thru this, and lots of people are alone, unloved by someone special and have no hope of being otherwise. Over the last few weeks especially, I’ve looked at homeless people or handicapped people or just unattractive people and thought how sad it was for them that they’d never have a chance like the one I have with Alex. I shouldn’t have thought such a terrible thing, because it’s come back to bite me quite squarely in the ass.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
February 22
So, the strangest thing happened today. On my drive home from work, my thinking was pretty much anti-Alex. Meaning, I was starting to feel like he really wasn't worth the all the effort and hand wringing that I've been doing over him, and that I didn't actually have to regret any of it. I could stomach the idea of seeing a Mercedes E320 or being in SF or drinking red wine without feeling terrible about my missed chance with him. And then--of course!--he called me. He called, and we talked for some 30 minutes about a lot of things and nothing at all. He didn't say what's been going on with him, but he did acknowledge his elusiveness over the past few weeks. He mentioned some embarrassing episodes at restaurants, but he wouldn't go into details. I got him to promise to tell at a later time, so that was something. He talked about the scallops he made last night with avocado, tangerine mignonette (which he charmingly called "mignette" several times) and scotch bonnet pepper, but the pepper was too hot, and he wants to try again with maybe serranos or something (my suggestion). To my surprise, that didn't lead to an invitation, but I'm OK with biding my time.
I don't know what any of this means, but we left it friendly and expectant. We'll be talking again soon, i trust, but we didn't make plans. I told Jenna (via IM--that silly girl was working way late again!) that we'd be talking again via phone, and that was ideal since he's a real distraction to me in person. There's something about looking at him that turns my brain to near-mush and my body to a sweating mass of goo. I can't get past that at this moment, but someday maybe. Of course, my wish is that i won't have to...
I don't know what any of this means, but we left it friendly and expectant. We'll be talking again soon, i trust, but we didn't make plans. I told Jenna (via IM--that silly girl was working way late again!) that we'd be talking again via phone, and that was ideal since he's a real distraction to me in person. There's something about looking at him that turns my brain to near-mush and my body to a sweating mass of goo. I can't get past that at this moment, but someday maybe. Of course, my wish is that i won't have to...
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
February 20
So, Alex called me yesterday, but I didn't recognize the number so I didn't pick up. He said he'd call back, but he didn't yesterday, and I sent him a "fun, flirty" e-mail telling him he owed me a couple of meals since he's kept me waiting so long. Not sure why I'm not jumping out of my skin about this--could be the Celexa, the fact that that I've arrived at a more balanced, less frantic view of the whole thing, the amount of time that's passed, or any combination of these. I'd like to think that I'm less susceptible to the idea of him, but I don't think that's true. Fact remains that, despite all the drama and hand-wringing, I really, really like this guy, and will keep liking him until I don't.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Still don't get it
The absolute worst part is that while I'm struggling to put this episode behind me, these annoying, hopeful little thoughts and reminders keep finding their way into my head. I know it's just because I can't quite believe he would say a lot of the things he said if he had no actual intention of following through, and it's hard for me to think about someone willfully letting me down like that. Especially someone who seemed so trustworthy.
He went into this knowing that I worked just across the hall from him, and then he gave me his mobile phone number. And still he said those things implying that we'd have a really nice rose champagne sometime, having a "terrific time together" this week at dinner and offering me near free reign with his 8-burner stove. Geez, how i hate the thought of those things now. I feel like a real fool, but all I can do is cultivate these nauseatingly excuse-ridden thoughts that are only driving me crazier.
Actually, as I write this, they seem to be subsiding. Maybe all it takes to exorcise your demons is writing them down.
He went into this knowing that I worked just across the hall from him, and then he gave me his mobile phone number. And still he said those things implying that we'd have a really nice rose champagne sometime, having a "terrific time together" this week at dinner and offering me near free reign with his 8-burner stove. Geez, how i hate the thought of those things now. I feel like a real fool, but all I can do is cultivate these nauseatingly excuse-ridden thoughts that are only driving me crazier.
Actually, as I write this, they seem to be subsiding. Maybe all it takes to exorcise your demons is writing them down.
Yeah, I don't know what's going on here
Last Friday after work, it occurred to me (as I sat in an SF parking garage waiting to pay and get the hell out) that there's no reason for me not to call Alex and see what might be on his agenda for the week. I.e., when did he want to get together. Of course, I was too chicken to actually call him up, so I did the next best immediate thing--I sent him a text message.
And then I waited...and waited and waited...and never heard from him, not all weekend, not this morning when I arrived at work and saw his car was already in the lot, and not yet. And you have to wonder why I say "not yet" instead of not at all, or not happening, because clearly, it's not happening. I can't say I'm surprised, but I am very disappointed. So what else is new?
The hardest part is getting to work, knowing he's here and probably watching me walk in from my car and still hearing nothing. I feel like the most invisible person on earth about now, except that he can see all the way through me on my way in. And the most annoying part is this: no matter how hopeless it all seems, and no matter how obvious it is that he's just not into this, I keep holding on to some semblance of hope that it's all a miscommunication, that if I call him or e-mail him or something him, he'll respond in kind and with enthusiasm. Have I not made it clear that I want to spend time with him? Have I somehow sent him mixed signals that are scaring him off? Do I have bad breath? Is there a hole in my pants? What, what's going on here?
And since I told him I wouldn't press him further, I really can't do that now. I was taking a chance by text-messaging him last week, and I see now I shouldn't have done that. So now I have to keep breathing in and out and not worry about this anymore, lest I completely, finally lose it. And it's not the first time I've said and decided this--just look at all those earlier posts on this same subject.
I thought I was feeling OK about things, but I think it was all based on hope that it would turn out as I'd hoped all along. So it was a house of cards, just as I feared.
And then I waited...and waited and waited...and never heard from him, not all weekend, not this morning when I arrived at work and saw his car was already in the lot, and not yet. And you have to wonder why I say "not yet" instead of not at all, or not happening, because clearly, it's not happening. I can't say I'm surprised, but I am very disappointed. So what else is new?
The hardest part is getting to work, knowing he's here and probably watching me walk in from my car and still hearing nothing. I feel like the most invisible person on earth about now, except that he can see all the way through me on my way in. And the most annoying part is this: no matter how hopeless it all seems, and no matter how obvious it is that he's just not into this, I keep holding on to some semblance of hope that it's all a miscommunication, that if I call him or e-mail him or something him, he'll respond in kind and with enthusiasm. Have I not made it clear that I want to spend time with him? Have I somehow sent him mixed signals that are scaring him off? Do I have bad breath? Is there a hole in my pants? What, what's going on here?
And since I told him I wouldn't press him further, I really can't do that now. I was taking a chance by text-messaging him last week, and I see now I shouldn't have done that. So now I have to keep breathing in and out and not worry about this anymore, lest I completely, finally lose it. And it's not the first time I've said and decided this--just look at all those earlier posts on this same subject.
I thought I was feeling OK about things, but I think it was all based on hope that it would turn out as I'd hoped all along. So it was a house of cards, just as I feared.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Truth be told, I always did like rollercoasters
So, looks like Alex and I are "on again", with plans for dinner "next week". I think that will give me enough time to decompress from the shock of getting that voicemail from him on my mobile phone last night. It truly was the last thing I expected. I mean, he's had my phone numbers forever, and he finally decides to call me on the very day that I was ready to give up on him? I think he could tell I was pretty much at the end of my rope from not hearing from him and being put off.
Not that he hasn't put me off again, since he's asked me out for next week, not this week. What gets me most is that even though I was in tears over the idea of not seeing him again, and my brain was telling me to suck it up and give it up, I really didn't believe we were done. I'm not going to say we're "meant to be" or anything like that, but something was keeping me from throwing in the towel, even though I thought it would be the best thing, for my own sanity. So there it is. He's planning date #3, and believe me, he's going to pay for it.
And I missed the Queen Mary II, or whatever, in SF on Monday. I was so wrapped up in my blue moods that I entirely forgot that I could just walk a couple of blocks and see an amazing ship, which is one of my favorite things to see. Whatever happens in my life going forward, I have got to stop letting these outside influences mess me up so much.
Not that he hasn't put me off again, since he's asked me out for next week, not this week. What gets me most is that even though I was in tears over the idea of not seeing him again, and my brain was telling me to suck it up and give it up, I really didn't believe we were done. I'm not going to say we're "meant to be" or anything like that, but something was keeping me from throwing in the towel, even though I thought it would be the best thing, for my own sanity. So there it is. He's planning date #3, and believe me, he's going to pay for it.
And I missed the Queen Mary II, or whatever, in SF on Monday. I was so wrapped up in my blue moods that I entirely forgot that I could just walk a couple of blocks and see an amazing ship, which is one of my favorite things to see. Whatever happens in my life going forward, I have got to stop letting these outside influences mess me up so much.
Monday, January 29, 2007
OK, back to the drawing board
I'm starting to think that the Alex thing just isn't going to happen--he didn't write me back about when he's available after his e-mail on Friday thanking me and looking forward to more. I just don't know what's going on with him, so I should probably bow out quietly and not expect him to pursue this.
Our server went down again, so I took off to get some food and noticed I didn't see his car in the lot. I wondered, of course, where he could be, since he didn't say anything about not planning to be at work today during our date on Thurs. When I got back, still no car, but as I walked back to the building, I noticed it around the corner, just out of the corner of my eye. Ugh, i feel like an idiot, but what else is new? I think it's significant that I haven't heard from him since Fri, and now he's parking around the corner.
Even though I am feeling pretty unhappy and hopeless right now, I have this strange sense of hope. Not sure where this is coming from, especially since I really have nothing to base it on. I have this odd idea that things will somehow turn out, that I'm not wrong about Alex's interest, and that I'll look back on all of this and laugh someday. I hope it's soon, because these 2 weeks have been a terrible up and down ride for my stomach.
Our server went down again, so I took off to get some food and noticed I didn't see his car in the lot. I wondered, of course, where he could be, since he didn't say anything about not planning to be at work today during our date on Thurs. When I got back, still no car, but as I walked back to the building, I noticed it around the corner, just out of the corner of my eye. Ugh, i feel like an idiot, but what else is new? I think it's significant that I haven't heard from him since Fri, and now he's parking around the corner.
Even though I am feeling pretty unhappy and hopeless right now, I have this strange sense of hope. Not sure where this is coming from, especially since I really have nothing to base it on. I have this odd idea that things will somehow turn out, that I'm not wrong about Alex's interest, and that I'll look back on all of this and laugh someday. I hope it's soon, because these 2 weeks have been a terrible up and down ride for my stomach.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Ooof, wish I'd done it anyway
Well, it seemed like the right choice at the time--turn Alex down for dinner last night in favor of meeting up with Jason for our weekly planned drink. This way I wouldn't look uninteresting by having no plans to break on short notice, and I could take a step back from all the turmoil I've been in over Alex's relative lack of contact since our dinner last week.
But now, I pretty much wish I'd gone with him anyway. Like Jason would have minded me bailing out on him--it wouldn't have been the first time and certainly wouldn't have been the last! And I would have gotten to talk to him and look at him again, for hours! Geez, what a stoodge I am. What is this, The Rules? Next time, I'll jump at the chance to spend time with him, even if I have to let someone else down. Tired of letting myself down, you know?
But now, I pretty much wish I'd gone with him anyway. Like Jason would have minded me bailing out on him--it wouldn't have been the first time and certainly wouldn't have been the last! And I would have gotten to talk to him and look at him again, for hours! Geez, what a stoodge I am. What is this, The Rules? Next time, I'll jump at the chance to spend time with him, even if I have to let someone else down. Tired of letting myself down, you know?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
This is really weird
So, as soon as I decide Alex just isn't that into me, he e-mails me an invitation to dinner tonight. But I'm supposed to have drinks with my best friend Jason, and I don't want to be a flake. It has nothing to do with requiring more notice before a date. I look pretty good today, but I need some down time after the harrowing week of hellish second-guessing I've been doing.
I can't believe I turned him down! What the hell am I thinking? I've been dying to see him and talk to him again, and here I am acting really weird. Guess I'm just kinda dumb.
I can't believe I turned him down! What the hell am I thinking? I've been dying to see him and talk to him again, and here I am acting really weird. Guess I'm just kinda dumb.
Friday, December 8, 2006
Bad-news week, part II
My Uncle Robert--my dad's little brother--was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer yesterday, and he has something like a month to live. He's a great guy, really kind and fun, but he never did get my sense of humor. I wish that had been his only failing, but he has this kind of cow of a wife who's not a very nice person. She's not evil, but let's face it, she's pretty close. Strangely enough, she also happens to be my mom's former step-sister (don't ask). What can I say--they're all from Wyoming, and I guess there weren't that many other black people around back then for my family to marry or whatever. Not that there are now, of course. But I didn't realize that at the time.
OK, time to veer off. My parents escaped Wyoming before I was born in Denver (thank God), and I grew up in the Bay Area. But they dragged us back to Wyoming and Colorado every summer. So since I was always around family whenever we visited Wyoming, I thought there were lots and lots of black people there. Not my fault, you see, I was tricked.
Back to my uncle...no news is good news. Pap has no definite news about his brother at this point, but he'll probably go back to Casper next week. I hate to think of it, because he had major surgery in August and he's not as resilient as he used to be. Refuses physical therapy, would rather gimp along and not complain about anything. He's a far cry from the Twain character I nicknamed him after--that good-for-nothing cracker Pap Finn from Huck Finn. It's ironical, you see.
So Uncle Robert has been married to this Anna chick forever, and she's a nagging wench who used to scare me when I was little. She reminded me of Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son, but she looked like that without twisting up her face on purpose. He's lived his entire adult life with this woman, who seems to have kneaded the joy right out of him. And now that he's at the end of his life, I wonder if he even considers that he might have made a bad choice in marrying the person he did. Sure, he has two great kids--I love my cousins to death--but you can't live your life entirely through your kids, and he didn't seem to. So where is his reward for putting up with near-evil his whole life? That's right--dying a painful death. I don't get God right now.
OK, time to veer off. My parents escaped Wyoming before I was born in Denver (thank God), and I grew up in the Bay Area. But they dragged us back to Wyoming and Colorado every summer. So since I was always around family whenever we visited Wyoming, I thought there were lots and lots of black people there. Not my fault, you see, I was tricked.
Back to my uncle...no news is good news. Pap has no definite news about his brother at this point, but he'll probably go back to Casper next week. I hate to think of it, because he had major surgery in August and he's not as resilient as he used to be. Refuses physical therapy, would rather gimp along and not complain about anything. He's a far cry from the Twain character I nicknamed him after--that good-for-nothing cracker Pap Finn from Huck Finn. It's ironical, you see.
So Uncle Robert has been married to this Anna chick forever, and she's a nagging wench who used to scare me when I was little. She reminded me of Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son, but she looked like that without twisting up her face on purpose. He's lived his entire adult life with this woman, who seems to have kneaded the joy right out of him. And now that he's at the end of his life, I wonder if he even considers that he might have made a bad choice in marrying the person he did. Sure, he has two great kids--I love my cousins to death--but you can't live your life entirely through your kids, and he didn't seem to. So where is his reward for putting up with near-evil his whole life? That's right--dying a painful death. I don't get God right now.
Bad-news week, part I
Guess if I start off at a low point with this thing, there'll be nowhere to go but up. But then why else would I have named this blog "neverending nightmare" unless I expected to put my ideas in that context?
Some things have happened lately that have lead me to what I'm calling a crisis of faith. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in God and that things end up balanced out in the end. And even though I've been questioning the latter idea for years now, I'm starting to wonder about the former. Scary for me.
There's the James Kim tragedy, which I haven't been able to wrap my mind around. Imagine what he must have gone through during his last days--freezing cold, starving, lost and desperate to get help for his family. I was so sure they'd find him alive since it's hard to imagine someone going through all that suffering like that with such faith and devotion, only to have it end all wrong. But I guess that's what happens to all kinds of people all over the world all the time. Only difference for me is that now it's happened to someone I could relate to.
I really hate the idea that James Kim died without the comfort of knowing his wife and daughters had been rescued and were safe. As he started off from the car that was sheltering his family, he must have believed he was their only chance for survival and that failure was unthinkable. And as she watched him walking off, she must have been terrified wondering if they would all live through it and see each other again. And both of them, of course would have done anything to save their daughters--that much is obvious. I wonder what that last conversation between them was like? How do you make a decision like that and not get crushed by fear and paralyzed by hopelessness? I don't think it's possible to understand that unless you're thrown into such a situation, and God help us if we ever are.
God help us--that's the crux of my problem lately. Is God there, is he there to help us, and if so, why such a terrible outcome for James Kim when I know that thousands of people were praying so earnestly for his safe return to his family? If it's true that prayer works and that God answers them all, how could he turn us all down flat when we're asking that a life be spared? And, not that this should matter in the grand scheme, but a noble life at that? Who else should be allowed to live than someone so willing to risk everything for his family? I don't get it, and I'm really feeling disheartened by the whole thing.
I don't blame God directly for this the way I do when the Giants don't win the NL West and when Cal (yet again) doesn't make it to the Rose Bowl. I'm not surprised by these things, because I'm convinced that He's not a fan of my sports teams. I don't get why, because they're clearly the good guys in my book. But He seems to stand by while watching awful things happen to us, and for that, I'm not feeling particularly faithful at the moment.
Some things have happened lately that have lead me to what I'm calling a crisis of faith. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in God and that things end up balanced out in the end. And even though I've been questioning the latter idea for years now, I'm starting to wonder about the former. Scary for me.
There's the James Kim tragedy, which I haven't been able to wrap my mind around. Imagine what he must have gone through during his last days--freezing cold, starving, lost and desperate to get help for his family. I was so sure they'd find him alive since it's hard to imagine someone going through all that suffering like that with such faith and devotion, only to have it end all wrong. But I guess that's what happens to all kinds of people all over the world all the time. Only difference for me is that now it's happened to someone I could relate to.
I really hate the idea that James Kim died without the comfort of knowing his wife and daughters had been rescued and were safe. As he started off from the car that was sheltering his family, he must have believed he was their only chance for survival and that failure was unthinkable. And as she watched him walking off, she must have been terrified wondering if they would all live through it and see each other again. And both of them, of course would have done anything to save their daughters--that much is obvious. I wonder what that last conversation between them was like? How do you make a decision like that and not get crushed by fear and paralyzed by hopelessness? I don't think it's possible to understand that unless you're thrown into such a situation, and God help us if we ever are.
God help us--that's the crux of my problem lately. Is God there, is he there to help us, and if so, why such a terrible outcome for James Kim when I know that thousands of people were praying so earnestly for his safe return to his family? If it's true that prayer works and that God answers them all, how could he turn us all down flat when we're asking that a life be spared? And, not that this should matter in the grand scheme, but a noble life at that? Who else should be allowed to live than someone so willing to risk everything for his family? I don't get it, and I'm really feeling disheartened by the whole thing.
I don't blame God directly for this the way I do when the Giants don't win the NL West and when Cal (yet again) doesn't make it to the Rose Bowl. I'm not surprised by these things, because I'm convinced that He's not a fan of my sports teams. I don't get why, because they're clearly the good guys in my book. But He seems to stand by while watching awful things happen to us, and for that, I'm not feeling particularly faithful at the moment.
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