February 22

So, the strangest thing happened today. On my drive home from work, my thinking was pretty much anti-Alex. Meaning, I was starting to feel like he really wasn't worth the all the effort and hand wringing that I've been doing over him, and that I didn't actually have to regret any of it. I could stomach the idea of seeing a Mercedes E320 or being in SF or drinking red wine without feeling terrible about my missed chance with him. And then--of course!--he called me. He called, and we talked for some 30 minutes about a lot of things and nothing at all. He didn't say what's been going on with him, but he did acknowledge his elusiveness over the past few weeks. He mentioned some embarrassing episodes at restaurants, but he wouldn't go into details. I got him to promise to tell at a later time, so that was something. He talked about the scallops he made last night with avocado, tangerine mignonette (which he charmingly called "mignette" several times) and scotch bonnet pepper, but the pepper was too hot, and he wants to try again with maybe serranos or something (my suggestion). To my surprise, that didn't lead to an invitation, but I'm OK with biding my time.

I don't know what any of this means, but we left it friendly and expectant. We'll be talking again soon, i trust, but we didn't make plans. I told Jenna (via IM--that silly girl was working way late again!) that we'd be talking again via phone, and that was ideal since he's a real distraction to me in person. There's something about looking at him that turns my brain to near-mush and my body to a sweating mass of goo. I can't get past that at this moment, but someday maybe. Of course, my wish is that i won't have to...

February 20

So, Alex called me yesterday, but I didn't recognize the number so I didn't pick up. He said he'd call back, but he didn't yesterday, and I sent him a "fun, flirty" e-mail telling him he owed me a couple of meals since he's kept me waiting so long. Not sure why I'm not jumping out of my skin about this--could be the Celexa, the fact that that I've arrived at a more balanced, less frantic view of the whole thing, the amount of time that's passed, or any combination of these. I'd like to think that I'm less susceptible to the idea of him, but I don't think that's true. Fact remains that, despite all the drama and hand-wringing, I really, really like this guy, and will keep liking him until I don't.

Truth be told, I always did like rollercoasters

So, looks like Alex and I are "on again", with plans for dinner "next week". I think that will give me enough time to decompress from the shock of getting that voicemail from him on my mobile phone last night. It truly was the last thing I expected. I mean, he's had my phone numbers forever, and he finally decides to call me on the very day that I was ready to give up on him? I think he could tell I was pretty much at the end of my rope from not hearing from him and being put off.

Not that he hasn't put me off again, since he's asked me out for next week, not this week. What gets me most is that even though I was in tears over the idea of not seeing him again, and my brain was telling me to suck it up and give it up, I really didn't believe we were done. I'm not going to say we're "meant to be" or anything like that, but something was keeping me from throwing in the towel, even though I thought it would be the best thing, for my own sanity. So there it is. He's planning date #3, and believe me, he's going to pay for it.


And I missed the Queen Mary II, or whatever, in SF on Monday. I was so wrapped up in my blue moods that I entirely forgot that I could just walk a couple of blocks and see an amazing ship, which is one of my favorite things to see. Whatever happens in my life going forward, I have got to stop letting these outside influences mess me up so much.

File this one under "Trust Your Gut"

So, what was I so worried about with Alex? We had a great dinner at a low-key gem of a restaurant last night, and it was so cool to reconnect with him after all of my silly angst. We were together for about 6 hours, most of which was spent alternately talking and making out in his car. Major bliss. Duh, I knew he liked me and wanted to spend time with me, and I let myself get so worked up that I couldn't sleep for 8 days. Ooof. Next time this kind of thing happens--and I'm kinda hoping it doesn't since I'd like to be with this guy for a while--I'm not gonna go overboard like I did this time.

Idiocy and other crimes

This post is a throw-away--if I write anything here, it'll be to beat myself up about what a dummy I'm being about Alex, the guy I had dinner with last week. Truth be told, he's obviously not that into me, but here I am, pining away like a total loser.

Ugh, can't stand myself right now. Maybe next week I'll be more tolerable.