Yeah, I don't know what's going on here

Last Friday after work, it occurred to me (as I sat in an SF parking garage waiting to pay and get the hell out) that there's no reason for me not to call Alex and see what might be on his agenda for the week. I.e., when did he want to get together. Of course, I was too chicken to actually call him up, so I did the next best immediate thing--I sent him a text message.

And then I waited...and waited and waited...and never heard from him, not all weekend, not this morning when I arrived at work and saw his car was already in the lot, and not yet. And you have to wonder why I say "not yet" instead of not at all, or not happening, because clearly, it's not happening. I can't say I'm surprised, but I am very disappointed. So what else is new?

The hardest part is getting to work, knowing he's here and probably watching me walk in from my car and still hearing nothing. I feel like the most invisible person on earth about now, except that he can see all the way through me on my way in. And the most annoying part is this: no matter how hopeless it all seems, and no matter how obvious it is that he's just not into this, I keep holding on to some semblance of hope that it's all a miscommunication, that if I call him or e-mail him or something him, he'll respond in kind and with enthusiasm. Have I not made it clear that I want to spend time with him? Have I somehow sent him mixed signals that are scaring him off? Do I have bad breath? Is there a hole in my pants? What, what's going on here?

And since I told him I wouldn't press him further, I really can't do that now. I was taking a chance by text-messaging him last week, and I see now I shouldn't have done that. So now I have to keep breathing in and out and not worry about this anymore, lest I completely, finally lose it. And it's not the first time I've said and decided this--just look at all those earlier posts on this same subject.

I thought I was feeling OK about things, but I think it was all based on hope that it would turn out as I'd hoped all along. So it was a house of cards, just as I feared.