Gut check

Lately I've been all over the map about Alex, where things might be going (if they're "going" at all) and what I'm supposed to be doing or not doing about it. I can't say I have any kind of clarity, but Amy was very helpful yesterday when she talked about dating and timetables and how to wait for a guy to make each successive move. I felt better remembering that I've never really dated before, but instead have just jumped full tilt into one relationship after another, way faster than was necessary or even advisable. My serial monogamism has made me blind to the ways of dating, and this is one of the reasons I've been freaking out over Alex.

Of course, I would rather be on Date #6 with him by now, because I'd probably have more insight into who he is and whether or not I really like him as much as I feel I do right now. Just because I can't get him out of my head doesn't mean I have real insight into that. And the added delays just create more tension and anticipation for Date #3. Not that this is a good thing--the last thing I need is more drama to keep me up at night.

What I do wish is to have concrete plans with Alex, not just "dinner next week". It's not impossible to imagine that he remains so busy he pushes it back again and again, until Date #3 never materializes. And I have to accept that that could happen. I think at this point I'd be able to handle that better than I was earlier this week, when I thought his lack of immediate response to my e-mail was his way of getting the hell away from me. I couldn't have been more surprised to get that vm from him on Tuesday night; but in a way, I was expecting it all along. Not sure why, since I had--and still have--nothing of substance to feed such expectations.

That's another problem--that I have a feeling about him, so it's going to happen. I don't know where this comes from, and I really wish it would go away. It's not serving any good purpose for me right now, it only seems to be getting me further hooked on Alex. I can "see" him in my head sometimes in future poses and situations, where he's definitely occupying prime real estate in my life. He's walking beside me in broad daylight, which hasn't happened up to now. He's smiling at me inside a house--whose, I don't know, but it seems like it's a familiar place that I haven't been to yet. And it goes on and on. I can even see him at the end of a wedding aisle--this is really embarrassing!--but, I can't see my dress. I can see us--and bear with me here--actually exchanging vows (ugh, this is beyond all reason) and crying with equal parts happiness and relief. [Oh lord, I should delete that last bit before the humiliation of writing such sentimental drivel and posting it in public melts away what's left of my brain...]

So it comes down to this--I want to call him over the weekend about "dinner next week" to actually nail down the date, time and place, but I'm not sure that's a great idea for a few reasons. 1) I told him I wouldn't press him further, 2) I told him it's all up to him, and 3) I can't bear the thought of calling him and tipping my hand again about how into him I am--I've already gone too far on that score and can't risk sinking further in his view. So, instead, I'll suffer through the weekend hoping he'll call me, and either he won't, or he will and I won't be free to talk to him. Or I'll get run over by a bus and my life and these little swirling incidents and dramas and fantasies and hopes will float up and away into the ether where they truly must belong. None of this seems real enough to get me so worked up, but I just have a feeling...