Guess if I start off at a low point with this thing, there'll be nowhere to go but up. But then why else would I have named this blog "neverending nightmare" unless I expected to put my ideas in that context?
Some things have happened lately that have lead me to what I'm calling a crisis of faith. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in God and that things end up balanced out in the end. And even though I've been questioning the latter idea for years now, I'm starting to wonder about the former. Scary for me.
There's the James Kim tragedy, which I haven't been able to wrap my mind around. Imagine what he must have gone through during his last days--freezing cold, starving, lost and desperate to get help for his family. I was so sure they'd find him alive since it's hard to imagine someone going through all that suffering like that with such faith and devotion, only to have it end all wrong. But I guess that's what happens to all kinds of people all over the world all the time. Only difference for me is that now it's happened to someone I could relate to.
I really hate the idea that James Kim died without the comfort of knowing his wife and daughters had been rescued and were safe. As he started off from the car that was sheltering his family, he must have believed he was their only chance for survival and that failure was unthinkable. And as she watched him walking off, she must have been terrified wondering if they would all live through it and see each other again. And both of them, of course would have done anything to save their daughters--that much is obvious. I wonder what that last conversation between them was like? How do you make a decision like that and not get crushed by fear and paralyzed by hopelessness? I don't think it's possible to understand that unless you're thrown into such a situation, and God help us if we ever are.
God help us--that's the crux of my problem lately. Is God there, is he there to help us, and if so, why such a terrible outcome for James Kim when I know that thousands of people were praying so earnestly for his safe return to his family? If it's true that prayer works and that God answers them all, how could he turn us all down flat when we're asking that a life be spared? And, not that this should matter in the grand scheme, but a noble life at that? Who else should be allowed to live than someone so willing to risk everything for his family? I don't get it, and I'm really feeling disheartened by the whole thing.
I don't blame God directly for this the way I do when the Giants don't win the NL West and when Cal (yet again) doesn't make it to the Rose Bowl. I'm not surprised by these things, because I'm convinced that He's not a fan of my sports teams. I don't get why, because they're clearly the good guys in my book. But He seems to stand by while watching awful things happen to us, and for that, I'm not feeling particularly faithful at the moment.
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